As any business MBA with an MBA in business will tell you, company morale and a comfortable office atmosphere are both lock and key to a healthy functioning work environment. Yet these know-it-all monkey suits with degrees they didn’t print themselves know next to nothing when it comes to healthy email writing. Their heads are stuffed full of nonsense words and phrases like “synergistic flow output,” “teamworkaholic,” and “hostile work environment,” and they can’t see the digital forest for the equally digital but more substantial trees. But lucky you, blessed you, Dr. Unemployable is here to set you straight, to put you on the right path to healthy email writing with these simple six tips to improve the quality of your work environment.

Email 01

1. Everyone Needs to Be Inspired

Far too often, I’ll finish reading an email that is berating me or blaming me for eating everyone’s food in the fridge simply because I believe in communo-snack anarchy (put up or shut up with that “video evidence” Constance), and lo and behold, I won’t quite feel myself! How wonderful would emails be if, after every reprimand, every verbal smackdown, we attached an inspirational quote?

Everyone needs to be inspired, and you, my friend, are just the kind of enlightened person who must take up the mantle and inspire them. Plumb the depths of the internet and find the most inspirational quote you can find. Imagine a hypothetical divorced woman of thirty-five and the more excited you can make her about her dream board with your inspirational quote, the better. True workplace efficiency comes about only when after every email you send asking people for their thoughts on more company birthday parties, they are able to read golden words from a famous figure to really put their day and actions into perspective.

Email 02

2. Brevity is the Soul of Wit, Winky Face

Laws and rules function as stabilizing weights in both society and the corporate workplace, but too many can end up dragging the average worker down. Cast off some of this dead weight by employing texting abbreviations and emoticons into your work emails. Not only will you save time “by writin fstr :-D,” but you’ll also do away with any possibility for misunderstanding. Now that leggy blonde at reception or Dreamboat McHunkmeister in the unemployment office (ladies, winky face) will know for sure that you’re sexually harassing them, saving both of you hours of head scratching and awkward arm rubbing! 😉

Email 03

3. I’m Too Important to Know Your Name

Nothing establishes dominance quite like beginning a letter with, “To Whom It May Concern.” Not only are you giving off the impression that you are too important to know the recipient’s name, you’re also implying that you’re so important that even if they bothered to tell you, you would have too many important things to keep track of to remember something as barbaric as the name of the person in charge of restocking the copier machine. In the book of email power plays, this play is the powerier-est, perfect for email condolences for lost loved ones, birthday emails, and interoffice gossip.

Email 04

4. I CC U 5EVER, M8

In order to keep everyone on their toes, CC random people in the office and do not mention why they’re being CCed. By including more people, your email is established as vastly more important, as whatever is concerning you is worth noting to other members of the office. More importantly, when someone dares to question why someone else is CCed, maintain dominance over the conversation by replying all and adding a new person to the conversation, remarking about how you can’t believe so-and-so doesn’t know why someone else is CCed. Make sure to BCC this all to your boss so that they can maintain a productive day sorting through their inbox.

Email 05

5. Email is Not a Black Tie Event

Cool it with the formalities, bro! It’s all chill in this here cyberspace! We don’t need no fuddyduddies harshin’ the good vibes we’re sending out to our coworkers. By creating an atmosphere of relaxation and zero pressure, you can be sure that any bad juju among the office will be quickly smothered by good vibes, sexual harassment, and ego-shattering gossip. Remember: When in doubt, chillax, don’t shout!

Email 06


WHILE CARTE BLANCHE CAPS LOCKING CAN BE A GREAT WAY TO BE HEARD AND EMPHASIZE THE IMPORTANCE OF YOUR MESSAGE, the judicial use of caps lock, like with makeup, can be the difference between being heard and being HEARD. While you can ABSOLUTELY caps lock for emphasis in your email, by RANDOMLY caps locking CERTAIN Words and Capitalizing others, you CAN ensure that the recipient will BE at a loss for how to respond. CONGRATULATIONS. You have gained control of the Email and will be SHOWERED with praise and admiration FROM SUZI AT THE FRONT DESK.

Don’t Get Discouraged!

As someone with a”Dr” in their name, I must stress that these techniques for exemplary office emails are skills that require constant honing. In other words, you may not get the results you’re hoping for right away. But I assure you, with diligent practice and an unwavering ambition, you can master these techniques and truly become email royalty. Accountants will toss ledgers at your feet as you stroll to the water cooler. HR will swoon and lose your disciplinary file. Even your boss may, on occassion, pat you on the butt to let you know just how valuable you are to the team. Your efforts, friends, patients, whatevers, will be richly rewarded. So go out there and write some damn fine emails!